Ara Kaur
Memoir Mixtape: self-love journey
Self-esteem through music, unfulfilling friendships to relationships, self-doubt to secure attachment allowing me to grow into the person I needed to be. Music was there to guide me, to comfort me, to relay messages to me.
“Akhiyan,” Rahat Fateh Ali Khan
On our way back from our weekly Sunday’s temple service, I sat in the middle seat after much protest. We called the middle seat, “the bitch seat” but only silently. My parents argue over something minuscule, my dad upset at my mom for taking too long to finish her food at the temple. Seeing my parent’s behavior towards each other, it made me believe that love was something I must struggle through for it to work. My parents may have wished they loved each other but they couldn’t have been less compatible. When this song played, I could pretend that my parents were in love.
“Shawty is a 10,” The Dream
I envisioned myself being a woman because I thought I could finally escape and live my own life. I thought I could be loved simply because I was beautiful, so I rushed to grow up. I sneaked my mom’s eyeliner and lipstick and played dress up alone, staring at myself in the mirror for hours. Developing early at 15, I wore things that allowed most attention on a specific piece of anatomy. I couldn’t equate my worth to anything that didn’t have to do with my appearance. I thought if people could appreciate my looks, they could learn to appreciate me. That was the furthest from the truth.
“Coffee and Cigarettes” Vic Mensa
I think I’m slowly going insane; my ears won’t stop ringing; my arms feel limb and there’s a hole in me. I’ve tried filling it in with everything drugs, dreams, boys, food or even sleep. I sleep it off today 12 hours, tomorrow another 10. The feeling never goes away, the feeling that words have yet to be able to explain. Humans need an answer to everything and why things are the way they are. And when they can’t explain them, the answer is because life is not fair. No fucking shit life isn’t fair. Tell me again to get over it and stop being selfish for feeling bad about myself. Tell me more about how there are children starving in Africa and how people are dying from cancer. Belittle my problems because I got food on my plate, a house that I can’t call home, parents who are nothing but providers of a sperm and an egg that created me. Society that set me up to be dependent on others, and constant reminder that I’m a girl and things are a certain way. Values where happiness is the last priority and giving it up shows how much of a selfless person you are. Happiness that becomes a foreign concept. Perception of yourself by others that allows them to put their hands on you and to tell you that they are entitled to. It’s not your fault that you are pretty they say, suddenly placing the blame on you. Showing you that, somehow, it’s your fault and you are the cause of it. If somehow you didn’t exist then, then the world will be a better place and stress won’t exist.
“The Way Life Goes (ft Oh Wonder),” Lil Uzi Vert
We were that Bollywood couple or at least that was what everyone used to call us back in high school. Veer-Zara, modern day version except roles reversed where you were the Pakistani Muslim and me, well I was the Indian, Punjabi Sikh girl. A relationship my parents highly disapproved while your family accepted me with open arms. I thought we were going to get married, but I was a foolish child, not yet an adult. We were 17, I was your first, but you were my second heartbreak.
“Daru Pee Ke,” Kaka Bhaniawala
I don’t think my dad loved anything more than he loved alcohol and his bottles. I wonder why my father only seems to love me when he is intoxicated or would tell me I am beautiful when intoxicated. I saw how much my mother envied this but there was no one there to remind her I was a child. This was a turning point where I no longer was a daddy’s girl and I started seeing my father as a man and slowly became afraid of men.
“I Need U,” BTS
I met Kiana in 9th grade, and I thought she was smart, pretty, and athletic and she even had spectacular music taste. She was also the first person to call me Ara and when we lost our friendship, it hurt me more than any heartbreak. I wasn’t sure why I was so drawn to her, but I was also still in the closet in high school. I don’t know if it is self-sabotage, but I end up losing every person close to me soon after.
“Tainted,” Alina Baraz
I thought I found my person, my soulmate who I met when I was 20 and he was 22. I am sure he only started liking me because I liked him. We bonded over music as I sang, and he shot music videos as we envisioned a life where I could be my own video vixen and him my personal videographer. This song was about a relationship ending and questioning if it was for the best. It makes me wonder; are there power in the words we sing often? Did I manifest my feelings from this song or am I reading into this too much? I knew I was a spiritual person, but I had so much healing to do because I found myself in relationships that drained me.
“Humsafar”, Shashk Tiwari
I played this song a total of 176 times with the most on the 7th of July this year. I thought we were going to get married. I thought that I had finally found my forever person and my soulmate but that couldn’t be furthest from the truth. I didn’t know until later, but you have already replaced me by this point. It was okay because I have finally found myself and my own identity when forced to be alone with all my thoughts. I forgive you now.
“Adios Amor,” Jessie Reyez
I had that moment of realization where I knew you just needed someone to love you and didn’t matter who it was. This song allowed me to mourn the four years spent trying to make it work in a relationship that mimicked my parents. This relationship was necessary for me to heal from childhood attachments. I was at that point of acceptance about my last relationship. Why did my mental health get so bad? Was this the universe’s way of teaching me a repeated lesson until I finally learned. Maybe love was there but love was not enough to keep me. Easy to villainize me as it was to replace me but thank you for raising my standards.
“Who Got Me” Alina Baraz
I understand now that being sensitive and empathetic is not a weakness but a superpower. To be able to feel things on such a deep level…well my human experience thanks me for it. Letting go was reminding my heart that it was okay to feel pain and one day, the never-ending rain will stop. It is time. To let go, heal, and move onto the next chapter, me. The chapter where I learn so much my brain releases the need to hold onto feelings of insecurity, the feelings of self-doubt, the feelings of loneliness.
“Killing Me” – Omar Apollo
Have you ever listened to a song simply because one of your favorite artists is featured on it? I first heard Omar Apollo’s voice when I listened to his song, “Hey Boy” featuring Kali Uchis. I have been a dedicated fan to Kali Uchis’ music for years and she was notorious fof her killer features and has allowed me to discover many other artists like Omar Apollo and Don Oliver. I didn’t even realize Omar was the artist that sang the song that went viral on Tik Tok, “Evergreen” showcasing how experimental and open Omar Apollo was when it came to his sound. The song, “Killing Me” is from his first album, Ivory; an album that incorporates the various sounds of soul as Omar Apollo displays his impressive vocal range. Some of his inspiration comes from growing up on the Beatles and Mexican musicians like Pedro Infante and Estela Nunez to name a few.
At first listen, “Killing Me” and its intro immediately draws you with its smooth melisma of the syllable “you”. Then, an even smoother beat drops, the chords of the guitar create this chill, relaxed feeling that makes you want to sway, bob your head, or even just tap your toes. It isn’t for another 20 seconds when Apollo starts to sing his first verse. His voice can be best described as lush and mellow because it draws you in but also has this element that calms you down. I would have this song on repeat on that long drive home or to play during the group cyph session as the music in combination with Apollo’s voice fits perfectly together.
It is the pre chorus that gets me in this song, with the lyrics “Love me like I’m gonna die” “fuck me like you fantasize” “touch me like you know you provide to” where there is this focus on something so direct and allowing the listeners to imagine. It is also the tone the singer takes as he is singing in a sexual manner.
To put Omar Apollo’s music into a single genre would do him a great injustice as he is able to incorporate different genres like r&b, soul, funk and as he switches up from English to Spanish. To have a first generation poc representation who self-taught and came from a small state like Indiana, it is inspiring. Inspiring to see more diversity in music allowing listeners to feel ever more connected and represented as we see this new generation have opportunities that were only possible from the hard work and sacrifice their parents continuously did.
melisma- group of notes or tones sung on one syllable in plainsong
Lush – Very Rich/Full.
Lush (2) – A “lush” sound has a sense of warmth and fullness. Notes are more authoritative and have a sense of life about them. It is a sound free of any sibilance or brightness. It does not mean colored, however. It is an open and inviting sound enveloping the listener into its soundstage.
Focus – A strong, precise sense of image projection.
Pre-chorus- a section between the verse and chorus that doesn’t share the chord progression of either.
Genre- conventional category that groups together pieces of music sharing a set of convention or traditions.
ARTIST PROFILE: KALI UCHIS
Grocery checkout girl to Grammy nominee
Kali Uchis, born Karly- Marina Loaiza was born in Virginia to Colombian immigrant parents. Having moved back to Colombia when she was 4 or 5 years old, that was where she spent most of her youth. Kali Uchis’ story and success is inspiring to children of immigrant parents alike because she successfully pursued music. The idea of success looking different than a 9-5 was frightening to immigrant parents who only knew how to work jobs that weren’t glamorized. But in another thought, our immigrant parents sacrificing their youth allowed us as children of immigrants to pursue these creative passions. Kali Uchis’ has that natural it factors, the talent and it just seemed like music desired Kali as much as Kali desired it. To make music against all odds of not having the same connections, access to money that others may have had.
When describing Kali Uchis’ sound, it would be a great injustice to limit her to one genre but rather how she is able to seamlessly hop into different genres like R&B, pop, reggaeton as she sings back and forth in English and Spanish. Kali was once told that having a whole album with mostly Spanish songs will not appeal to her American audience but that did not stop her. The refreshing authenticity of Kali and her music inspires artists like me alike who simply enjoy the process of making music, listening to music, and experimenting with music. When you look at the album, Isolation we get a taste of the talents of Uchis when it comes to the features, genres and different sounds as each song felt like a different genre.
The music choices in Isolation where Kali opens in with an intro that is airy and light with hints of jazz compliments her siren like tone. This album has healing properties as one can imagine laying on a hammock in the sun as they listen to her album. With lyrics like, “Just come closer, closer, closer” sung in a melancholy tone inviting listeners who are looking for music that has a calming healing energy, she can embody that energy. Another song on this album, “Dead to me” showcases this edge side of Uchis where she can let go of a situation in her life that no longer serves her purpose. While in another song, “Miami”, an infamous line that goes, “Why would I be Kim, I could be Kanye in the land of opportunity and palm trees”, besides this being a good song to play when in Miami, it brings lights to some truths on Hollywood and the power dynamics that exist. Having strong women in music inspires other women to be strong as we have seen in the dating culture today where a woman no longer needs a man to be financially stable or to live a good life.
With this Isolation project, it showcased how far she ventured from genres and embodies feminine power specifically femme fatale, but this also could have to do with how Kali Uchis presents herself. Kali Uchis looks like the music she makes, with edge and style but being able to switch up from looks of soft pop to hardcore edge to timeless baddie. Music has more than one expression and Kali Uchis is able to embody that art in all aspects of her life. Kali Uchis’ music has healed heartbreaks for me, reaffirmed that I am indeed a powerful, strong woman.
